When Will I Do It?
by Elouera
Summary: Fluffy and angsty at the same time... classic RH with a slightly depressing spin.
1. A Beginning

**Disclaimer: Seriously, these should just be automatically added as part of every story. This is a FANFICTION site, I'm writing fiction as a fan, so no, I do not own anything but the plot, and maybe not even that.**

**A Beginning**

_by: Elouera_

They sat there for hours. They sat on the edge of the lake hand in hand for most of that day. He just looked at her while she bit her lip and stared off into the distance. Well, they weren't really hand in hand, he just wanted to believe that they were. Their hands were lying on the musty ground barely a centimeter apart. He wanted so badly to just take her hand, just to whisk away her problems. He only wanted her to look up at him with those worried, innocent brown eyes. He wanted her to just relax.

He sat there watching her for all that time, willing her to just take a deep breath and look at him; catch his gaze and lean into him. He wanted to close that gap between them, to put his arm around her waist and pull her head onto his shoulder. He knew she was worried about their friends, but there was nothing they could do about it right now. They were here, alone and together, sitting on the damp, compressed dirt by the lake, and he didn't want them this far apart. He knew that there were only a few inches between the two of them, but that was too much. He longed for more of her, but he knew that he couldn't have her that way. Not now, not any time soon; but a boy can dream.

His breath caught in his chest as she moved. He though she was going to take his hand, he thought she was going to shift closer, lean on his shoulder, and let go of her worry. But, she didn't. She merely pulled her knees up to her chest and folded her arms around them. She laid her chin on her knees and closed her eyes. He sighed and leaned back against the tree trunk behind him. He tilted his head back and desperately hoped she wouldn't notice the tears he was trying so hard to hold back.

She was worried about them. She knew they had to work this out on their own, but she knew what could happen to them. They could destroy each other, and she and the beautiful boy sitting beside her would be left to pick up the pieces. She didn't want to deal with them, she had her own things to fret about. Like what to do about the tight feeling in the pit of her stomach, the way her left arm buzzed with electricity where he was so close.

She wasn't really the type to take the initiative when it came to girl/boy type things. But she yearned with all her physical being to lean just a little bit farther over toward him, to pick up his hand and feel its warmth in her own. She wanted so badly to look over at him, for their gazes to meet, and she wanted to lean into him, feel his arms around her as she laid her head on his chest and listened to his heart beat.

She sat there for awhile, biting her lip in indecision, contemplating whether or not to slide across the damp earth towards him. As she thought this the feeling in her stomach increased, and the electricity in her arms was so strong the fine, blond hairs there were standing on end. Finally, she thought, "You know what? I'm just gong to do it!" But as she reached over to place her hand on his she chickened out and disguised the motion by pulling her legs up to her chest and hugging them close. She felt useless, pathetic and afraid. "When will I do it?" she thought. She was mad at herself for chickening out, but was it for the better?

She sat there for awhile more worrying about whether or not he liked her, too.

He was gradually growing angrier. He couldn't stand crying, he couldn't stand feeling weak. As he sat there in the warming air he was angry with himself, and with her. Why did she have to make everything so hard for him? Why couldn't she just want him, too, so he didn't have to worry about trying to catch her? Why was it so hard for him to admit out loud that he really and truly did love her with all his heart?

He had a quick temper, and he knew that the rising heat on his neck would not go unnoticed for long. He knew he had to calm down, he knew he shouldn't blow up at her. After all, it wasn't _really_ her fault. He had brought this upon himself by not being open about his feelings. So he sat there by the river, so close to her and yet so far way, with the heels of his hands pressed up against his eyes, trying to calm himself down.

Finally, he felt like he had the self-control to lower his hands, and act like a mature adolescent, if there is such as thing. He wanted to be there for her, even though she shouldn't really be worrying about their friends' relationship problems. It wasn't her problem, although he wasn't going to be the one to tell her that. He looked at her longingly, wishing that she would look back at him. He leaned against that tree, his head tilted towards her until finally she looked over in his direction.

They sat there, staring calmly at each other for a few minutes, just looking. No harm in that, right? Wrong. It drove them both wild. The exact shade of his eyes, their depth, and the emotion wrapped around the varying hues of blue were playing murder on her insides. The way her hair fell across her face, how innocent and vulnerable she looked curled up like that, and the single tear that formed in the inside corner of one eye was making coherent thought impossible for him.

But why was she crying? Once the fact that a tear was rolling down her cheek registered, his mind snapped back into place. He immediately closed the space between them, pulling her into him, wrapping her up in his arms and hugging her like they had never been apart. Her breath caught half way through the beginning of a sob, and he smiled at the way their bodies fit perfectly together. As cliché as it is, they truly felt as if they'd found their puzzle piece.

She realized that she'd only been crying because she wanted so badly to be in this position, and she was immediately ashamed that it was her petty tears that had finally brought them together. She put both her hands on his chest, pleased at how muscular it felt, and pushed away from him. They sat there gazing longingly into each other's eyes, his arms still around her, both feeling slightly awkward.

He realized that maybe he shouldn't have grabbed her like that.

She realized that maybe he only did it because, after all, they _are_ best friends.

She said, "I'm sorry I was crying, Ron. I didn't mean to."

He just stared at her, wanting so badly to kiss her, while she stared back wanting the same thing. At the same moment they both got a jolt of panicked fear at what was about to happen. She got up first and with a look of regretful angst in her eyes she turned and ran back to the castle.

"When will I finally just do it?" he thought. Then, he just sat there and watched her leaving, half sad and half glad because what if he'd been making a mistake by trying?

"Goodbye, Hermione," he whispered as a single angry tear ran down his cheek.

**A/N: Please R&R, and, please, be as critical as you want to. I didn't expect this story to amount to anything, and I wrote it really quickly. I wrote in one study hall period and when I got the idea it was a fantasy I was having about the boy I like... But, it will never happen for me, so why not let it happen for them? It has been altered, and now it is appropriately R/H fluff.**


	2. Silent Musings

**Disclaimer: I didn't own the first chapter, I don't own this one.**

_A/N: Although I wrote this one a long time after the first, it fit perfectly so I decided to add it in. About a year has passed, Ron is dating someone new (Lavender, if you must know, but it doesn't really fit into the context of the book so I'm kind of re-writing JKR's plot line) and Hermione previously thought she had repressed all feelings for Ron. And by the way, I know how much of a disgrace it is to rewrite JKR's plot line, but it's so much easier to write fluff when there isn't a terrible war going on in the background. Hermione's POV._

Silent Musings

They're going on a Quidditch trip. With all that's going on in school right now, they're going on a goddamn Quidditch trip. And I can't even go with them. Now I'm left here alone, no Ron, no Harry, no Ginny. I'm left here with no one to talk to but peppy, giddy girls. I do not want to talk to peppy, giddy little girls. And I really thought that I didn't like him anymore.

I'm really not angry that they're leaving, I'm angry with myself. I really thought I'd repressed these emotions, I thought that I'd shoved them into the back of my mind where they could live silently, unnoticed by all until they finally disappeared altogether. But no, life was never that easy, was it? And now he's dating Lavender. He's dating Lavender, I never did it, I never sucked it up and just told him how I felt, and now I've lost him. I wouldn't call Lavender one of my good friends, but I do respect her. She can be fun to talk to in the middle of the night. I don't want to hurt her. Well sometimes I do, but the sane, logical part of me does not want to hurt her for my own benefit.

I don't deserve him. I hate saying it because I've always been the self-confident girl, the one with a high opinion of herself (in a not-vain way). I've always been the confident one who carries her head up high, not caring what others think of her. So why don't I feel like that now? I don't deserve him. It's really not that I think he's too good for me, I just don't deserve him.

It bothers me, too, because I really thought I was over him. I really thought so. It doesn't even make any sense that I should have to get over him because he never liked me, we never had anything for me to get over.

All I do now is sit here and think about him. He's not even gone yet and I already miss his childish laugh, that obnoxious glint in his eye when he knows he's about to start a fight. I hate it because I'll never have him. He's Lavender's, and they work together. Sort of. I'll never have him. I didn't do it, I didn't suck it up, I stopped asking myself when I would do it, and I succumbed to the realization that I never would. It's not even like I'm being a stupid little prissy girl with no faith in herself. I have self-worth, I know what I'm capable of, and I am not capable of having him.

I have completely given up on him wanting me, and yet, I still have hope. Why do I still have this hope inside of me? It doesn't belong here, it causes me unnecessary pain, it will never amount to anything. There are so many other boys that I could lust after, so why the one that I can't have?

He who doesn't see the true value in who I am. He who is going out with a girl so different from me. He who is dating a girl who is not truly my friend, but close enough for me to feel the pain every day. He who is causing me to break the stupid, nonsensical laws of girl friendship: liking a friend's boyfriend. He who causes pain to my other best guy friend and his sister, my best girl friend. He who doesn't see me for what I _really_ am. He who says hi to me every morning. He who has such amazing, visible muscles. He who always has a gorgeous little smile playing around his lips. He who made out with her, indecently and so close to me, in the middle of the corridor after dinner. He who keeps me up past midnight thinking about his laughing blue eyes, his musky, woody smell, how I'll never have him.

Because I am ungrateful, I am unnoticeable, I am disrespectful, I am a bitch. I should not like him, I should not hurt Lavender by liking him. I am betraying her, as close as we are not, I _am_ betraying her.

All I really want to do is let people know that I understand them, let them know that they can trust me, but I don't trust easily. People hurt me in the Muggle world, before I came here. He hurt me before we became friends. I really just don't trust, and as hard as I try, people just don't like me. That is, they don't want me as more than a friend.

He doesn't like me. He never will. And yet, I'm still going to sit here, daydreaming, heartbroken, hating myself for waiting for a day that will never come.

As much as I prefer the Magical world to the Muggle one, Muggle music is just so much better. One of my favorite songs is "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. The first verse goes, "I can't fight this feeling any longer, and yet I'm still afraid to let it flow, what started out as friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I had the strength to let it go." The whole song spells out exactly what I'm feeling, except that I do not have the guts to actually try and let him see me knowing how I actually see him.

He hasn't even left yet, they're going tomorrow, and this one day that it's taken for it to hit me that I'm not going to see him for a month is bringing all of this out. It makes me feel almost guilty, like I'm lying to myself. But I don't know what I'd be lying about. Maybe I don't really like him, or maybe I'm just sick of denying it. Because, although I know I have absolutely no chance, I still like him. I'll admit it.

Maybe I can tell him before he leaves, give him a month to mull it over, give me a month with it off my chest and without him to see if I should take it back; make sure I haven't made a mistake. Maybe I'll do that. I should do that.

I said goodbye to him today. They left about an hour ago, I sat in the grounds where they'd flown off for a long time before finally coming inside. I hugged him for longer than I hugged Harry, and I kissed him on the cheek.

It was weird. It was awkward. I was afraid to face him with all that on my mind. What if he saw it in my eyes? What if he shrugged me off, told me I was nothing to him, that he loved Lavender and there was nothing I could do about it? I know that last part is true, but it would be so much worse if someone else, especially him, said it out loud.

Now I'm afraid for him to come back. With all of these reincarnated feeling rolling around in the forefront of my brain I don't know how I'm going to talk to him. I don't know how I'm going to say hi, hug him, laugh with him, without breaking into tears.

I am confused. I told him I'd miss him, but I chickened out. Again. When will I do it?

It's really early in the morning, but I woke up from dreaming about a Hogsmeade weekend last year. It was really blustery and cold outside, and a big group of Gryffindors all went rushing straight to the Three Broomsticks, but Ron, Harry and I kept going and went into the Hog's Head. It's much easier to just be in there. Although it's dirty, it's quiet and the people are more interesting.

Ron didn't have any money, and Harry had left his at the castle. So with promises of repayment that I knew would never be kept, I bought them their lunches and Butterbeers. The three of us sat at a round table at the back of the pub, Harry sat across from me, and Ron next to me, but still pretty much across because the table was round. We held eye contact pretty much the whole time, and when we'd finished he put his feet up on my legs. His calves were resting deliciously on my thighs for the better part of an hour.

But now he's going out with Lavender and I have less of a chance then I did then.

I hope. For the nothing that I know will come and the everything that I crave. I don't understand why this is affecting me so badly. It makes sense for me to be a little sad, but this is ridiculous. I can't eat, and I've had a stomach ache since I realized he was gone. I'm dreading sitting next to Lavender in Transfiguration tomorrow. I wonder if she'll talk about him, and how I'll respond if she does.

I thought about all of my favorite Muggle songs, and I found the list of them that I made this summer. I put a bunch of them together, 68 in total, and every one of them has some relevance to him and me. Every one of them brings a pang to my heart, plucks at my soul, and makes me unwillingly envision his shining blue eyes, his overpowering freckles, and untamed fiery curls. Every. Single. One.

He is my rose, the bane of my existence. But he is not mine. He never will be. No matter what Ginny says, he will never be mine. He's with her, Lavender, he's not with me. I'll accept it and move on. I WILL. But I won't, I can't lie to myself, not anymore. As hard as I try I won't get over him. I've been trying to do that for most of my time here at Hogwarts. It hasn't worked yet, so why should it now?

Even though I really thought I'd gotten over him and these feelings have taken me by complete surprise, I know I won't be able to suppress them again. The harsh realization that I've been lying to myself hurts too much, I can't do this again. I can barely do it now.

First period double Potions. Normally by now I'd be wide awake, ready to soak up all of today's knowledge. But I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't eat at breakfast. I just want to go curl up in the library and daydream again, like I did yesterday. And all of last night.

Why can't I just really dream about him? Why can't I sleep, why do I have to be painfully, monotonously awake and thinking about him?

Why do I feel like this? I really thought I was over him. I guess I probably should have realized I wasn't over him when every time he said "Hi" to me my heart sped up. Why do I have to realize it now, when my heart drops every morning when I rush down to the common room to see him walk down those stairs and realize that this morning, and many after, that he's not coming?

But I'd still convinced myself that I didn't like him. How did I do that? And why can't I do it again? Ginny says they'll break up soon, that this much time apart for a couple based on physical contact is too much. But thinking about their flamboyant public displays of affection just makes me sick to my stomach.

But what if it just makes them realize how much they really do like each other? That's what it did to me.

Lavender is so excited for Ron to get back. She was making a homework map with me in the library after lunch, probably because she had nothing better to do: Parvati was in the Hospital Wing complaining of menstrual pains, and we got to the day he's coming back.

A terrible feeling sent shivers down my spine and pain through my innards, but I didn't even make a sound. She got this big smile on her face and giggled and started bouncing up and down saying, "That's the day! He's coming back then!"

Her glee made me smile, but the weight of the guilt in the pit of my stomach just grew heavier. Ginny says that I shouldn't feel guilty; that I have nothing to be guilty about, but I still feel this way, no matter what she thinks.

I really do want him to come back so I can eat and sleep again, but I'm also dreading it. I don't want to see the look in his eyes when she walks into the room anymore unless it's aimed at me. I don't want to deal with the joy of seeing him happy, and then the pain that I'm not. And if Ginny's right about them breaking up when they get back, I don't particularly want to see Lavender get hurt.

It doesn't even make sense that him being gone effects me the way it does. It's not like I have huge, long, deep conversations with him on a daily basis. We usually just shout about something petty and then I ignore him until dinner when we shout again. I guess it's just knowing that it would take a few days to reach him even if I had the guts to do it. That hurts. And I hate it because it hurts Lavender, too and she actually has the right to be hurting. I don't. I have no right to feel this way.

Double History of Magic. And Neville isn't even here to distract me from the monotony of it all. (He's in the Hospital Wing because of an accident in one of the greenhouses.) Maybe I should complain of menstrual pains like Parvati and saunter on up to the Hospital Wing to see him. That would be better than this.

But no, I won't do that. I'm too goody-two-shoes. So I'm left here alone to think about how I should probably be taking notes. Sometimes I think Ron is right about this class. You only have to think up the most ridiculous names and you'll get a good grade. I'll just read up on the American Witch Burnings when I can't sleep tonight.

Why am I still thinking about him? It's been a week and I still think about him and feel the pain of not being near him every day.

Tomorrow is going to be December, Lavender's birthday month. At least Ron is gone so I don't have to deal with him giving Lavender her "present". Oh, the thought of what that may be makes me cringe. I guess I'm being kind of mean. And selfish. It's Lavender's day with him, so I guess it's sad that she's missing out just because he likes Quidditch so much.

But, the selfish bitch that I am, I kind of like it because it makes my life easier. God, I'm such a snob. Especially since I'm in Transfiguration and I'm writing this right next to Lavender and if she just happened to look over my shoulder, the something that we have which is turning into a friendship would be completely ruined. I like Lavender, I really do. I enjoy our friendship. And I _love_ her boyfriend. Bad combination.

I got an owl from Ginny today. Apparently Harry finally admitted that he liked her. When will _I_ do it? I really want them to get together, but I don't want to spend less time with the two of them. I guess I'll just have to get over it because they are so cute.

And with Ron and Lavender, I gave up on Ron ever liking me a long time ago, but he's going out with one of my roommates and they're relationship is so goddamn superficial. Therefore I would hate their relationship even if I didn't like him, because I want him to have deep, meaningful relationship and he doesn't have that with her. But, once again, I'm just making petty excuses trying to justify my thoughts. I am a back stabber.

But I still hope. For nothing and for everything.

Damn it! Why did the feelings come back? I thought I didn't like him anymore. Damn you, Quidditch, damn you!

I know that I'm being cruel, but I still hope for his opinion on me to change. I wish with all of my heart that I didn't have hope so that I can be a good friend, but I know I won't get what I want. I never get what I want.

Damn you, tear ducts. I'm in class, why can't you act up when I'm alone in my room? Damn this.

And yet, I still have hope.

Why?

Ronald Bilius Weasley. Get out of my head. I shouldn't like you. You are dating my friend. You will never like me. So why do you still dominate my brain? It isn't fair. I don't want to like you. I know I don't have a chance. So why do I still think about you all the time? Why can't you just like me, goddamnit, so I don't have to feel like this anymore? I hate being angry! It's so unlike me.

Here I sit in Transfiguration, again. I wasn't even thinking about him. Well, I was when I was walking down the stairs to the common room, but again it hit me that I wasn't going to see him. Again the pain ripped through me. Again I feel guilty.

I got another owl from Ginny today. She and Harry are officially "an item" now, as she said. I hope he doesn't freak out about hurting her and withdraw like he usually does about big decisions. I hope it works for them. I really don't want to see her hurt and I know it hurts Harry twice as much when she's in pain.

So, back to Ron. I wasn't thinking about him in this class until some Ravenclaws walked by the door talking about how they were doing at the Quidditch tourney. Apparently they're doing well. That's good. But I really wish I wouldn't think about him.

Although I'm cruel and a terrible friend, I'd rather see myself hurt than Lavender. Because I don't deserve him and I'll never have him. I just have to tell myself that enough times until my heart believes me. How many times will that take? Too many.

I wish Ron wanted to pursue me. I wish I could be withdrawn and mysterious, instead of desperate and whiny. But I'll never change, and he'll never like me. I hope for it every day, but he won't, he never will. Unless I tell him how I feel about him, but then it's only a maybe. But I'll never do it.

Maybe if I read more for Professor Binns I wouldn't think as much. Maybe.

Here I sit in the library after lunch. I had turkey soup, but I let it sit too long on the table so it was kind of cold, but I didn't mind; it was still really good. I love the kitchens. They always smell like brewing soup and coffee.

I wish more people would think about the "lesser" magical creatures. They really aren't any less than us, we just don't respect them. It's stupid. I wish more House Elves thought like Dobby. I wish I could concentrate more in History of Magic. I wish I had more good friends than the ones that are on a trip right now. I wish Ron saw me as I see him.

Third period History of Magic. I cannot believe it's still morning. I am so ready to go to bed.

There is a kid that I just noticed roaming the hallways that looks startlingly like Ron. I think he's in the year above us and in Ravenclaw, but they look very, very similar. Every time I see him my heart speeds up and then my heart drops even further when I see it's not him. It hurts, and I don't like it.

I really wish I was happy. I am, but I'm not. Every morning I realize that the feeling in my stomach is because I expect to see him, but then I realize that I won't and I feel terrible. Inside and out, my whole body just feels terrible. I wish I didn't like him. It will never amount to anything, it just causes me pain.

---

Now it's the end of class. I spent the whole period doodling our initials together around my "notes".

I miss him, I feel terrible that I'm glad he was on the trip for Lavender's birthday. But whatever. What I feel doesn't matter.

I miss having lunch with him. And Harry and Ginny, but I miss _his_ smile. The way he kicks me under the table. I miss him, but he'll be back in a few days. At least I have that as comfort, and when he gets back I _will _tell him. I WILL.

They got back yesterday. I saw Lavender run across the lawn toward him. I also saw the look of disgust on his face when she grabbed him, right before she planted a big, sloppy kiss on him. I saw the knowing smirks on Harry and Ginny's faces. I also saw him push her away and break up with her, right there, in front of everyone. But I still didn't do it. Even after he looked at me timidly like he was about to say something he'd been meaning to for awhile now. I didn't do it. He didn't do it, as Harry whispered with disbelief to Ginny as I walked away. I had my chance, again. I had my chance and I blew it, again.

When, oh when, will I do it?

_A/N: OK, well there it is! I know you may think it's a little bit OOC, but I always thought Hermione was much more cynical than JKR made her out to be. So reviews please! And I welcome flames, sometimes they're more interesting._

_And Night Lupine – thank you lovely for the beta! You know you're always my girl._


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